'Let's Talk About Sex'-ual Liberation, Baby
- Angela Dawson
- Jun 7, 2019
- 7 min read
The Mechanics and Misconceptions of Sexual Liberation
If you don’t want kids, don’t have sex. We’ve all heard this one before. After years of enforcing heterosexual, traditional, and binary narratives, propelling the idea that sex solely functions for procreative purposes, the former saying has yet to be abandoned. The truth is, people have been enjoying sex for the sake of pleasure long before it was deemed unacceptable or even illegal. What? Sex for pleasure? Shocker.
What is Sexual Liberation?
Part of the consequences of living in a male-dominated, phallocentric society is that sexual pleasure, and consequently, a more universal notion of sexual liberation and fluidity is harder to achieve. Favoring one type of pleasure subverts others, making it difficult to engage in an open conversation about sex.
Our culture has abstained from embracing sexual liberation and all that it entails—communication, education, self-esteem—deserting us in the same sexually repressed box.
So, you may be asking, what does sexual liberation entail? It means different things to different people, not just the bohemian 20th-century free-love you’re probably calling to mind at the moment. It may mean being sexual with another individual without judgment, being able to masturbate without shame or guilt, exploring your gender performance, having spontaneous one-night stands, adhering to labels or no labels at all, buying an educational sex guide book, partaking in erotic massage, chilling at a nude beach, or walking into a sex store and buying yourself the finest dildo on the shelf. The world is your oyster. Whatever the scenario, sexual liberation affects us all mentally, reflecting onto society how we collectively perceive sex and ourselves.
Liberation Equals Education
Sex education in the classroom is, to say the least, at a low. Personally, I learned nothing about sex in school, so I relied on other sources for guidance (thanks, mom!). Yet, it’s true that some adults don’t know where to begin when they are hit with the dreaded question—where do babies come from? It can be difficult to articulate to children what sex is exactly because no, it is not just the collision of genitals, and doesn’t just happen between a man and a woman. Oftentimes, communication is halted and questions go unanswered, or perhaps met with slightly unsatisfying or uneducated responses. Adults may feel that any information leaked to the innocent ears of the youth will push them into performing said sexual activities—when in reality, the curiosity (and hormones) will get to them one way or another.
When the youth aren’t given safe and correct information, this will typically lead to unpleasurable and/or unsafe sex. Confusion will likely settle in—the fear of communicating to their partner, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of asking for what they need. Without the proper information, people carry this false idea that sex is supposed to hurt or that orgasms for those who have a vagina are rare.
Sex education is lacking for queer youth especially, and so is the concept that you can have sex without having penetrative intercourse. Rather than being reassured through open conversation, they are pushed into the idea that abstinence is the answer. For most, this is not realistic, nor is it any fun. So, how are we all supposed to embrace sexual pleasure and identity if we struggle to communicate even the basics?
The Problematic History of Sex
In order to understand how we view sex today, we must take a little tour back in time. So let us all pile into a newly modified pink, sexified DeLorean for the duration of this brief mental shuttle-ride to the past; strap yourselves in dear readers, because I’m talking the 17th/18th-century era, which followed the 16th-century popularity of the chastity belt.
During this time, if any two people engaged in sexual activity without the goal of conception, or if someone was caught masturbating, this was considered a big fat no-no. In fact, these individuals were seen as mentally-ill, criminals even—thus acting against the sodomy laws in place at the time, which led to possible death, torture, or imprisonment. I know, yikes. Sodomy was then aimed at queer people in the mid-1900’s. Being dissuaded from certain sexual actions became the norm throughout history. Society gravely punished people for experiencing pleasure in the most natural form, for being who they are and loving who they love.
The Male Gaze Enters the Chat
Sexual liberation came out of the women's liberation movement during the second wave of feminism. The discussion of sexuality was brought up more thoroughly, creating a kind of sexual revolution during the 1960 – 70s. However, this movement also reaffirmed the concept of the male gaze and “fulfillment of male fantasies about female availability” where women became an object of attraction and attention, as author Veronique Mottier explained in her book Sexuality: A Very Short Introduction. Although this movement allowed women to embrace their individual sexuality and love themselves fully, men took advantage: “The rhetoric of sexual liberation legitimized male control of women’s sexuality and made it impossible to ‘say no’ to sexual advances” (Mottier). That’s patriarchy in its purest form for you. Subsequently, the age of thinking short skirts condoned sexual consent was born.
Let me be clear. Being sexually liberated is not an invitation to have non-consensual encounters or start being extremely sexually active. Firstly, let’s all remember that consent is key. Secondly, you don’t need to be sexually active with others to feel and be liberated. Sexual liberation means that you have control over your own body and choices. That your mindset about your sexuality and sexual nature is positively shifted. It means that you’re free from sexual suppression. Free to be the sexual being that you are.
The male gaze had forced women in particular to see themselves through the lens of men, thus limiting their sexual freedom and expression. Women are expected to look sexy, to want to look sexy, to want to be wanted for looking sexy, but when it comes to being sexual, that’s a different story. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie once said that “We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.” Modern-day culture still tends to celebrate women who stay ‘pure’ (even though they may be labeled a ‘prude’) while at the same time celebrating men for ‘getting some.’ Yet when a woman is sexually active, they are often called a ‘slut.’ Slut or prude, what will it be today? According to this double standard, you’re basically screwed either way (that’s what she said). But we all know it takes two (or more) to tango.
How to Begin Your Journey to Sexual Liberation
One very important way to combat this twisted systemic thinking is through self-acceptance. Although you may never be good enough based on society’s ridiculous criteria, it is possible to be good enough for yourself, to accept yourself for who you are. Everyone has their own path, their own journey to take. Self-acceptance is the first step towards self-love and a very important aspect of sexual freedom. Your sexual being is you, it encompasses and defines a part of you. It feeds off your energy and the energy that emanates around you. Start by celebrating that.
Feeling comfortable in your own skin goes a long way in enhancing your sex life. If someone has a healthy self-image, meaning they’re fine with having sex with the lights on, then they are more likely to have immensely healthy and positive sexual experiences. Having confidence allows for open communication. It’s easy to buy into certain idealized images within social media, conditioning many to compare themselves to others, leading to poor self-esteem. For this reason, we allow a socially constructed and warped culture to dictate how we see our own sexuality. It’s a difficult thing to escape, but we have to try.
Do you know what else is natural and sexually liberating, and might help with your self-esteem? Masturbation. Let’s say it together. Mas-tur-ba-tion. Admit it, a lot of you do it. I’m sure some of you even recall humping on foreign objects as kids or at least heard of those stories. We do this because, simply, it feels good. We gravitate towards the pleasure our body seeks. A lot of other people do it, too. Your family members, your doctor, your neighbors, your teacher, etc. And guess what, it’s normal, and frankly, pretty fucking awesome. If you want to learn more about this, take a look at one of the best sex books on the market, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks. They explain how masturbation “relieves stress and tension, releases endorphins, relieves menstrual cramps, fights yeast infections, exercises and flushes the prostate gland, strengthens pelvic muscles, provides a good cardiovascular workout and also burns up calories” and overall creates a heightened sense of self. I mean, that seems like a good deal to me. Plus, with the country’s depression rates climbing, this seems like a better and more cost-effective alternative to Prozac. With masturbation, you get what you like, how you like it, and the benefits are astounding.
Starting the Conversation about Sex
In order to get this conversation of sexual liberation flowing, we should be having more open conversations about it. If someone says something regarding sexual norms/misconceptions of any form, don’t be afraid to respectfully speak up. Having open conversations can lead to open minds, which can enable much-needed change. And perhaps, another sexual revolution in the process. Wouldn’t that be fun. So, even if ranting on Twitter is more your forte, speaking up about the things we don’t like to talk about will lead the way. Life would be rather sterile if no one did (pun intended). The sooner we get uncomfortable through these discussions, face-to-face or not, the sooner we can get comfortable under the sheets and shatter some stigmas.
Sources:
Adichie, Chimamanda. “TED Talk” 2009
Winks, Cathy. Semans, Anne. The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.
Wade, Lisa. American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus. W.W.
Norton & Company, 2018.
“Why Sodomy Laws Matter.” American Civil Liberties Union,
Mottier, Veronique. Sexuality: A Very Short Introduction. Oxford University
Press, 2008.
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